Emotional Regulation: Using Our Whole Being to Process Emotions

Emotional regulation is a word that gets tossed around a lot these days. Unfortunately, we counselors use that term a lot, but don’t actually inform people about how to actually go about doing emotional regulation. Today’s post will show how I think about emotional regulation. 

I tend to think of our experience of the world though our thoughts, emotions and bodies. These three things kind of work as a circuit—our thoughts influence our emotions which influence our bodies which influences our thoughts, and so on. So, in order to sit in big emotions, we need to also engage our bodies and our brains.

Engaging Emotions

We experience emotions all of the time. As Sue Johnson, co-creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, likes to say, “You’re always feeling emotions. If you’re not, that means one of two things: either you’re dead or you’re a reptile.” Okay, so we’re always feeling emotions, that doesn’t tell us how to regulate them. 

The first step in emotional regulation is recognizing that we are even having emotions. The second step is allowing ourselves to experience those emotions. Many times big emotions are uncomfortable. The problem is the more we avoid emotions, the less we can tolerate them. Just like lifting weights at the gym, if the weights are heavy, you’re not going to pick them up. But when you don’t pick them up, you lose strength. Rather than running away from big emotions, I encourage you to get an emotional work out by allowing yourself to fully experiencing those big emotions. Sit in those big emotions.

A third step is to language the emotion. When we put words to the emotion we are doing two things. First, we are engaging our brains to help us process the emotion. Secondly, when we language emotions to others, we are engaging in intimacy and co-regulation. In a securely attached relationship, co-regulation is the process by which you tap into the emotional stability of the other to help calm yourself. 

Put a different way, “If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable” (as said by Mr. Rogers in It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood). When we put our emotions into words, they are simply more manageable. Journaling, talking with a friend, singing a song—all of these can help us language our emotions. 

Engaging Cognitions

In the early to mid 1900s, the behavioral sciences were thought of as soft sciences. That is to say, they were not regarded in the same sphere, or with the same respect, as subjects like physics, biology, and mathematics. In an effort to give more validity to psychology, scientist began conduction more rigorous experiments, thus giving more credence to the soft sciences.  One of the earliest therapies utilizing this type of experimentation is a branch of counseling call Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). This type of therapy examined how our thoughts and behaviors were linked to one another.

There is power in evaluating our thought patterns, especially when thought in the neurological context. Our brains like efficiency and patterns. The more we use a neurological pathway in our brain, the easier it is to use it again (think a path in the woods). If we continually think negative thoughts, we reinforce our brains tendency to think more negative thoughts. So, with CBT, we can evaluate our thoughts and actively choose to think something different; thus, healing our brains. 

CBT is well established and a wonderful help to many people, but it is not perfect. The difficulty I have with CBT is that there is an underlying assumption that we can regulate our emotions just with our thoughts. At least for me, this doesn’t work. If I’m emotionally feeling anxious, my racing thoughts are right there stoking that anxiety. No amount of me thinking differently is going to slow down the emotional train…both are off to the races. What is more, CBT to an extreme reinforces the mistaken belief that the highest form of existence is thought and logic—the Spock syndrome from Star Trek. 

Engaging Your Body

In my own journey toward emotional health, engaging my body has been the biggest surprise. I never knew how important my body was in my emotional experience. Here’s the thing: emotions start in the body and then are interpreted by the brain. Think about it, our bodies are telling us all the time what we are feeling. We have butterflies in our stomach, tension in our shoulders, a gut sensation, joy in our heart, etc. Our bodies sense something and then our brain puts language around it.

So being familiar with and connected to our bodies is a really important thing. Men in particular tend to have a weird relationship with their bodies. We train our bodies, we fight through pain, we grin and bear it. In essence, we’re taught from a young age that are bodies are more a tool than they are an integral part of our human experience. So noticing our bodies, through practices like meditation or yoga, allows use to more fully embrace our wholistic human experience. 

Now, as I said before, thoughts, emotions and the body kind of work in a circuit with each influencing one another. And if, like me, your thoughts and emotions are off to the races, then the one other thing you have to regulate the system is the body. You can use your body to trick your thoughts and emotions into thinking it’s calm. There are all kinds of body based relaxation techniques. One of my favorites is the Ice Water Face Bath.

Exercises:

Ice Water Face Bath

Yeah, so, this is exactly what it sounds like. When you find yourself emotionally elevated and your brain is racing, stick your face in a bowl of ice water for 30 seconds (hold your breath). Our brain has a survival instinct to keep us alive when we are submerged in ice water. It is known as the diver’s response. You’ve heard the stories of someone falling through the ice in Minnesota, only to be revived hours later? This is the diver’s response at work. When humans fall through the ice, the brain almost stops respiration and dramatically reduces heart rate. Slowing your breathing and heart rate sounds a whole lot like relaxation in a different context. 

Think back to the thoughts, emotions, and body circuit. The brain and emotions might be off to the races, but you can use your body fool your brain and emotions, giving them relaxation messages. This can also be accomplished through breathing techniques and meditative practices.

Explore Embodied Emotions

An interesting exercise that allows us to engage emotions is by giving them characteristics. Rather than merely noticing that pit in your stomach, do a bit of exploring. Imagine that pit having color, what would it be? Does it have weight? Gravitational pull? Electrical pulse? What about texture, is it smooth, rough, prickly? As you learn about emotions, and how they manifest in you, this is a very useful exercise. 

Journaling

Journaling engages the brain to evaluate emotions. It is difficult to do real time processing of emotions. Journaling slows everything down and allows you see the different movements and moments of intense emotional experiences. For nudges on journaling, see this article. 

Integrating Mind, Body and Emotions

Emotional regulation is not merely managing emotions. Many people ‘manage’ emotions by repressing or denying the emotions. Instead, emotional regulation honors the emotions and utilizes our whole being to help process them. Rather than being carrying along by our emotions, we can look at them, almost from a third-person view and notice them. This is the difference between reacting to our emotions and responding to them. 

Daniel Siegel has a good book touching on these things entitled “Aware.” If you are on a path seeking more emotional connection with yourself or with your partner and need assistance, please reach out. As an Emotionally Focused Therapist, I have specialized training in helping clients connect to their emotions with their whole being.