A Framework for Better Communication

Communication is not just talking and listening. The best communication is about connecting. We all want connection—deep connection. We want to be known and accepted for who we truly are. And it doesn’t happen by accident. In fact, the deeper we go into vulnerable places, the more risk there is. The more comfortable we are with these risky places, the more enjoyable it becomes.

It’s kind of like swimming. There is risk in swimming. When you were learning how to swim, the deep end wasn’t even in the cards. Shoot, you weren’t even clinging to the edge of the pool with your water wings on. The shallow end was a big enough threat. You were standing on the edge trying to muster up the courage to jump into dad’s arms. And the more comfortable and competent you became as a swimmer, the more enjoyable it was to be in the risky environment of the pool…even, gasp, the deep end.

Today we’re going to talk about levels of communication, and just like swimming, there is more enjoyment and more risk in the deep end.

4 Levels of Communication

Behavioral/Data

This is the wading pool. The behavioral and data level of communication is the easiest and most straight forward. The behavioral or data level is the objective reality of what happened. Because it is so straight forward, there is little reward or benefit in talking at the behavioral level.

Thoughts

The thought level of communication goes beyond what happened, and attempts to interpret what happened at the behavioral level. It is getting deeper than the wading pool, but definitely not surpassing the groin. This level encompasses opinions, and with those opinions can come disagreement. Couples who engage in thought level communication talk about such things as the kids, politics, religion, sports and the like. Couples who only go to the depth of the thought level tend to say, “We’re a really good team.” What they mean is they get the tasks of life done, but they don’t have much connection or depth. 

There tends to be an invisible line between the first two levels of communication and the final two. As we go deeper, there is more at stake and more risk. Couples brave enough to go deeper are rewarded with greater intimacy. 

Emotions

The emotional level of communication is like getting in the water up to the armpits. To go from mid-thigh to the armpits, you’ve had to withstand getting your groin and torso wet. This level is getting real. Sharing our emotions feels very vulnerable. When someone disagrees with your ideas, you can “agree to disagree” and move on. But when someone disagrees with your emotions, you feel invalidated. Because our emotions are closer to our core, that invalidation feels more like we are disregarded as a person, rather merely our emotions are disregarded. It hurts. 

The reward to engaging at the emotional level is connection and co-regulation. Co-regulation is when, through sharing our emotions, we are able to calm our emotions. We are naturally wired to share our emotions with others. You don’t have to teach a five-year-old to want consolation from his mother when he falls off his bike. You don’t have to teach a six-year-old to be excited and want everyone to sing her happy birthday. It is a natural thing to want to share our emotional state. 

Core Wounds/Needs

The deepest level of communication is the “why” level. It is jumping in the deep end. The most risk is at this level, because it is the closest to our hearts. This level shows the real motivations for what we do and why we do it. In my office, this deepest level is usually a core wound or a need. To get to this level as an individual takes great self awareness. To share this level with a partner takes great courage. 

We all want to be accepted and loved, but we are accepted only as far as we are willing to be known. Read that again: We are accepted only as far as we are willing to be known. When there are things that you hide, those things will never be seen. They will never be accepted, because you have not put them out there to be accepted. But worse that others not accepting you…you don’t accept yourself. When you withhold, it is as if you have already passed judgement on yourself, there is no way they are going to accept this part of my, so I’m not even going to try. 

You are worthy of love. You are worthy of acceptance. You are worth being known…even the parts of you that you don’t like. We are all humans. We all make mistakes. Shoot, we all violate our own sense of right and wrong. But let’s not let our humanness get in the way of acceptance. Trust others that they can see past your behaviors and into your truest self. Take the risk, jump in, and show those you love the deepest parts of who you are.