What to Do When You Blow Your Top with Your Spouse

As much as we try not to fight, we do. And as much as we try to stay calm when we fight, we don’t. This blog will address why is it so difficult to fight fair and how to get back on the right track after we blow it.

Preparation for a Confrontation

Have you ever done the work on the front end of confrontation with your spouse? You know what I’m talking about, right? You run through all of the different scenarios in your head. You are totally prepared for whatever comes up. If you only anticipate every way it could go wrong, then you’ll know what to say to keep yourself calm, and keep ya’ll from getting into a fight? 

And then when it comes time to talk, all of your prep work flies out the window and you feel yourself reverting to your adolescent self—voice quivering, pouting, demanding, yelling, cussing, etc. What just happened?

What is Really Going on During a Fight

There is the issue at hand (the content) and the issues underneath (the process). You might be fighting about who is doing, or not doing, the dishes. That is the content. But that’s not why you end up blowing your top and storming out of the room. The dishes means something much, much deeper. 

You ascribe deep meaning to those dishes. Those dishes represent whether you are seen, respected, appreciated, and loved. And when your partner doesn’t acknowledged your efforts to keep the kitchen clean, you ascribe meaning to that to. It’s not that they forgot to thank you, it feels as if they said, “You don’t really matter to me.” 

Your big reaction is not about the dishes, it’s about what the dishes mean to you. But rather than clarifying with your partner at that deep level, you instead fight about the dishes. 
But wait, there’s more…Often times during a fight the relationship feels threatened. And when the relationship feels threatened, all kinds sirens and warnings are going off in your head. This is the most important relationship in life, and it feels like it is on the rocks. You are scared at a visceral level. You react not to the dishes, but to the fear of losing the relationship. What you are looking for is relational reassurance and comfort, but the fight or flight part of your brain kicks in and the fight is on.

How to Not Blow Your Top

In order for you to not blow your top you have to do something very risky. You have to be more vulnerable. Your partner not thanking you does indeed feel like an attack, because it goes to that deep level. And rather than reacting from that defensive place, you need to react from a place of intimacy. 

Rather than saying, “You never thank me when I do the dishes. You take me for granted.” (Can you feel the accusations and the escalation starting?) Rather than saying that, you go deeper into your experience, “Honey, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but you didn’t thank me for doing the dishes. Sometimes I struggle with that. It goes to a place where I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. Could you tell me I matter to you?” 

Reading over that, you might roll your eyes a bit. I get it. That’s the Hallmark TV special where fights are resolved in a few sentences. It isn’t that easy, especially early on. But with commitment and practice, your relationship could avoid cyclical fights and step into connection. 

5 Steps for When You Do Blow Your Top

1) Take a time out. This is a common suggestion, and it often times doesn’t work. Time outs don’t work because they are often merely an escape. No professional team would use a timeout just to stop the action. No, during timeout there is coaching, assessment, refreshing, etc. Your timeout needs to continue to work through the fight, not just get away from it. Additionally, when calling a time out, set a time when you come back to one another.

2) Get regrounded. Throw some cold water on your face, do some meditation, engage some diaphragmatic breathing, etc. Do the [healthy] things that you know how to calm your central nervous system. This will help you come out of fight or flight and begin to think clearly. 

3) Own your part. Rather than blaming your partner, figure out what was going on inside of you that you were so reactive. Are there other stressors in your life you are projecting onto your partner? Are you reacting out of fear of your relationship slipping away? 

4) Come back to you partner. The person who calls time out needs to be the one to start the conversation again. Don’t leave your partner hanging.

5) Offer a good apology. Good apologies are not merely words. There is acknowledgement, ownership, and empathy present in a good apology.

6) Resolve the conversation. Go back to the original conversation and try again. Shoot, go so far as ask for a do over, if you recognize you started it wrong. But don’t leave it hanging.

You matter. Your partner matters. Your relationship matters. It is worth putting in the effort to hone good communication. As you do so, you will find conflict dissipates more easily. It doesn’t just get swept under the carpet and forgotten. When you engage conflict well, it gets resolved. What is more, you and your partner will have a sense of accomplishment and connection that you resolved it together. 

Should you need help navigating conflict and learning tools to fight fair, please contact TenderHearted Men for counseling or coaching.