Improve Communication: Ask Good Questions
Many fellas are fairly content listening to their wife talk. And then [gasp], she turns and asks for him to give his feedback. Frozen, he fumbles to get something out. It lands flat. And they begin to fight.
There is an art to communication, and everyone could use help strengthening their communication skills. Listening is not a passive activity. While talking with our wife, if you’ve ever felt like a deer in the headlights, this article is for you.
Levels of Communication
To set the stage, we need to break down communication. As we all know, there is verbal and non-verbal communication. But there are also levels of communication. Understanding these different depths of communication is essential in reaching deeper levels of intimacy with your spouse. The levels are: events, thoughts, emotions, core.
The event or behavioral level is the data. It is simply and objectively what happened. The thought level is your perception of the event. With two people observing the same event, both with interpret and think of it differently. Most conversation stays at these two levels.
The emotional level is where intimacy starts to really grow. This is a deeper more vulnerable part of our reality. And whereas there might be a finite amount of data at the event level, the emotional level has infinite possibilities. An example of this is the event of a sunset. At the thought level, you might think is it pretty. At the emotional level, there are days you gaze at the sunset and it reminds you of that vacation. There are other times when you are stirred by a memory of a friend who died, and the last shared memory was a sunset you shared. The emotional level goes deeper.
The core level is the deepest level. It is comprised of our values, dreams, woundings, baggage, etc. It is often times the true reason for our reactions in life. In sharing at this level, you open the deepest part of yourself. To resolve the biggest fights, couples must communicate at this level. And to have the deepest heart connection, core communication is essential.
Now, here’s one tool to help relationship get to the deepest levels of intimacy and connection.
Ask Good Questions
Good questions are the key to depth in communication. Whereas most conversations engage the thought level, good questions unlock to the door to the emotional and core level. Here are some principles for asking good questions.
No Yes/No Questions
The first principle to asking good question is do not ask closed ended questions. Yes/no questions tend to shut a conversation down, rather than opening it up.
Explore vs Explain
The biggest principle is that you want to have your spouse explore their world, not explain it. Just get curious. Good questions help your spouse know themself better. A secondary benefit to good questions is they help you know your spouse better. Think about it…if it is about your understanding, then you are sitting in authority, like a judge. (How much do you like to be judged?) But if the emotional energy is on your spouse, it is all about them and their process of self discovery.
Don’t Ask Why
A final principle in good question asking is not to ask “Why?” For whatever reason, “Why” questions shut down conversations. Whereas what and how questions tend to open things up. When we are asked why questions, we go on the defensive, feeling as if we must explain ourselves. What and how question help us explore ourselves.
I suggest you practice good questions with coworkers, friends, and other family members. Practice so that when you are in discussion with the most important person in your life, it comes more natural. If you continue to struggle with communication issues, reach out to TenderHearted Men and I can help guide you to a deeper, more intimate relationship.
