The Boogieman Isn’t Real: The Frame of Mind Needed to Validate
One of the most common things I work on with couples is validation of emotions. Validation is honoring someone else’s emotions. Counselors also call this empathizing with, making safe space for, actively listening to, being known by, etc. Validation usually start with the phrase “It makes sense…” As in: It makes sense you are angry, because I was not home when I said I would be. There is way more to it than that, but it gets us going in the right direction.
There are all kinds of excuses as to why a partner is not able to validate well—he’s not in touch with his emotions, she doesn’t feel understood and won’t let it go. At the end of the day, validation is hard for all kinds of reasons. And over time I’ve learned that at the heart of good validation is trust. But before I go there, a story to help us understand that we all intuitively know how to validate.
The Boogieman Isn’t Real
Picture it. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning. You are awoken from a dead sleep to the sound of your 4-year-old screaming at the top of her lungs. You race into her room, throwing your robe on, stubbing your toe, and smashing into a wall on the way there.
“There’s a boogieman in my closet.”
What do you do?
You might give her closet a cursory glance, but after assessing the situation you realize your beautiful child had a nightmare.
What are your next steps? Do you appeal to your child’s logical brain? Do you explain to her that the boogieman isn’t real? Do you cite scientific research, eliminating the possibility of a boogieman? (And if you do…how’d that go?)
No, as the good parent that you are, you don’t go to logic, reason, or explanations. Why? Because the boogieman isn’t real. No, instead, you address the only real thing in the room—your daughter’s emotions.
Sure you might look in the closet. Then you go to her, scoop her up in your arms, and you start narrating her world…you start validating her.
“Oh honey, I know how scared you are. You had a nightmare. Your heart is racing and it is so scary. There’s the shadow on the wall, and the tapping from the tree outside. Oh, sweet girl, it makes sense why you were so frightened. It’s okay. I’m here now.”
When we take validation out of the marriage context and put it into the parenting context, we all know the right answer. We intuitively know how to validate by focusing on emotions. We all have this skill, we just need to take in and put it in the marriage context.
We don’t validate because our baggage gets in the way. We withhold validation because we are afraid our partner won’t reciprocate. And this is where we get back to trust. When a couple trusts one another, they are more comfortable taking turns. They will let the other person’s feelings come first, knowing that they will get a turn later.
Fights often become about whose emotions are more important, and that’s a problem. Both individual’s emotions are equally important. Isn’t not a question of if one or the other person’s emotions are important, it is a question of who gets to go first.
So, next time your partner has a big emotions, even if that emotion (say, anger) is directed at you, do your very best to trust. Trust your partner will give you a turn later. Trust that your partner will work through it and is right in the middle of their process of coming to terms with their emotions. Trust that your partner can both be angry at you and love you at the same time. And as you trust, you’ll be better able to validate.
As always, if you or someone you know needs assistance accessing emotions or nurturing a relationship, reach out to TenderHearted Men.
