Resolving the Problem vs Resolving the Emotion
“Fine! I’ll take the garbage out. Are you happy now?!?”
You ever had a fight that ended this way? And what kind of question is that? Are you happy now? Of course she is not happy now. But out of desperation, and an attempt to get out of a tense situation, you both just give up. One of you throws a grenade, and both of you exit. Stale mate. No one wins.
You are smart enough to know that it’s not about the garbage, or the finances, or sex. But what is it really about and how do you get to the bottom of that?
So many times fights get bogged down as each individual in a couple is actually fighting about different things. He is fighting about the thing, the stuff, the data. She is fighting about her emotions, her voice, and her desires. Fellas, when you insist on fighting about the thing, you’ll lose. You might even be 100% correct in resolving the problem, and you’re still going to lose. You’ll lose because you’re misidentifying the issue. The issue isn’t the problem, the real issue is the emotion and connection.
Relationships are based on intimacy. Intimacy is based on the deeper parts of ourselves—the deeper you go, the more intimacy there is. She is showing her deeper parts, and when you’re arguing about the thing, you are missing her heart. She’s offering intimacy, and you’re rejecting her by talking about the thing.
Resolving a Fight in Your Marriage
Here are some helps so you can begin to navigate these waters and start resolving emotions, rather than resolving the problem.
Communicate at the right level.
Most couples are actually good at communication—they do indeed talk. Where they miss each other is when they are on different plains of communication. There are four levels of communication: behavioral, thoughts, emotions, and core wounds/needs. If one person is talking about the behavior or the data of what happened, and the other is talking about their deepest needs, then the couple tends to talk past one another. When you communicate with your spouse, make sure you are on the same level, and make sure that level is what your partner needs.
Start the conversation with the finish in mind.
When I was a kid learning how to write an essay, I was told the structure needed to be as follows: Tell them what you’re going to tell them (introduction), tell them (body), tell them what you told them (conclusion). In tense conversations we often times get lost in the fog. If you start a hard conversation with the end in mind, it might chart a course through the fog.
Allow each other to be human. Have grace. See the big picture.
Let the little digs go. Sure it’s easier to pick on those little digs and win that little battle. But insisting perfect certainty on every fact is a sure fire way to make a fight go to the wee hours of the morning. Allow freedom of expression, rather than literal interpretation of wording.
Self regulate your emotions
I’m NOT saying avoid your emotions, go stoic, or shut off your emotions. I am saying utilize grounding, breathing, and calming techniques to regulate your emotions so that you can stay emotionally engaged. So many times I see couples who escalate not out of anger, but out of desperation. It is as if your spouse says, “I can’t tolerate your emotional distance. Anything is better than you shutting me out emotionally. So, I’ll keep poking the bear to get any reaction out of you, even if it’s anger.”
Slow everything down.
Thoughts go fast, emotions go slow. If you’re applying logic to win an argument, you’ve already lost. You’ve lost because you’ve lost connection. Stay connected to one another’s emotions. The tell is speed. When you slow down, you’re closer to emotions. When you’re closer to emotions, you’re closer to connection.
If you and your spouse are struggling to connect, don’t spend another day living in good enough. You deserve better than that. Your spouse deserves better than that. You signed up for marriage because you wanted a great life. Now is the time to put the work in to make your relationship great. Call me for the help you need to get there.
