8 Helps to Show Your Wife You are Really Listening
Problems Communicating?
Communication issues are so prevalent in marriages. Every couple who has come to my office asks for help with better communication skills. The breakdown can be something like this:
Her: “Are you even listening?”
Him: “Yes”
Her: “Then what did I say?”
You ever find yourself here? And even though you give a verbatim recitation of the words she said, it lands flat. Just because you hear the words she is says does not mean that you are actually listening…and you both know it.
Today’s blog is going to give some concrete helps so that when you are listening, you are really listening. You are listening in such a way that your wife knows you are listening. You can listen in a way that your wife knows you are hearing and holding her heart. If you apply these helps consistently, it can change the trajectory of your relationship.
Communication Skills Help
Schedule a time to talk
Make your communication a priority, not an add on. I know, I know, life is busy. I get it. You’re right, but that’s my point. Because life is busy, you’re not going to have time to have meaningful conversations…unless you make time for them. Schedule a date, state your intentions to talk after the kids go down, find time to communicate.
Put away all distractions
[Sigh] I wish I didn’t have to spell this one out. Turn off the TV. Put the iPad away. Silence the phone and put it in another room. Don’t have substantive conversation while making dinner. Do not multitask during times of connection.
Throw away clock
Do not be impatient. Do not try and squeeze conversation into a 30 minute window. Be patient and let the conversation and the connection emerge. Slow things down to get out of your brains and into your hearts.
Clarify what she needs from the conversation
This is a huge one, and one that took me years to figure out. There are times when your wife wants you to simply listen as she vents. There are times when she wants you to ask deep questions. There are times when she wants you to help her problem solve. Here’s the thing: she might not know at the outset what she needs and it might change. The best thing to do in these situations is to clarify. “Honey, I’m sensing that this is a listening time. If you need something different from me, let me know and I can shift.”
Full body attunement
Non-verbals. Sit facing her, not the wall. Make eye contact. Don’t cross your legs or your ams in a closed body posture. “Brighten” your face—raise your eyebrows, and express your reactions with your face. Don’t just sit stone-faced. Lean in slightly like you’re on the edge of your seat, that you are hanging on her every word. Don’t recline in the Lazy Chair barely awake.
Ask good questions
One of the best ways to show your wife you are listening is by asking good questions. Good questions keep the conversation moving and help it move to deeper more intimate levels. The purpose of a good question is not for your benefit or understanding, but for your wife’s benefit. The best questions help your wife understand herself better.
Reflect back to her what you are hearing
Assure your wife you heard her by telling her what she just said. Give a summary. The summary is not the words she said, but the meaning behind the words. In your words, summarize her heart behind the words she said.
Be selfless
All the focus to be completely on her. In these moments, give your wife the spotlight. Let it be all about her. She’ll return the favor, because she doesn’t want to be the only one sharing, and she also wants to know you.
I realize these things feel like a lot. In some ways yes, in other ways no. Yes, there is an art to listening well. It does take concentration and practice to do it well. In other ways no, all you are really doing is giving your full attention to the woman you love and putting her above everything else, even yourself, during the conversation.
If you apply these principles consistently, the flavor of your communication and connection with your spouse will improve. She will feel fully heard. Your marriage will strengthen. If you need counseling or coaching to help you accelerate your learning of communication skills, contact me and let’s get to work.
