A Vision for Marriage: What I Want for My Clients

Communication issues, disagreements, fights, relational stalemate, no sex life, living as roommates, parenting difficulties—I see it all in my office. Sometimes we get bogged down in all that is wrong. And there are times we need to focus on where we want to go, rather than where we’ve been.

When I was learning to drive a car, my driver’s education teacher told us he did not want us to do what our parents trained us to do. “Don’t steer in the direction of the skid.” 

There were protests from the class, “But my dad told me…” 

But Mr. K gave sound reasoning: “If your car starts to skid, you’re going to be chuck full of adrenaline. You’re going to rip the steering wheel in the direction of the skid, and you’re going to overcorrect. You’ll then spin out the other direction.” 

This seemed to make sense to us, so we calmed down and listened. “Instead, I want you to simply look in the direction you want to go.” Demonstrating with his hands holding an imaginary steering wheel, looking to the left, and his hands following to the left. “When you look that direction, everything else will follow.” 

What a profound life lesson! So many times we are so worried about all of the danger of life, and we overcorrect this way and that. Instead, we need to focus the majority of our effort on where we want to go, and make simple corrections to get there. 

How to Improve Your Marriage

There are common themes for what couples need to work on. Whether it be a couple reeling with the aftermath of an affair, a relationship struggling to reignite intimacy, or disagreements as to how to go about parenting, there seem to be some universal things to do to get back on the right track. 

Make time for one another

Most couples genuinely enjoy one another—they got married for a reason. But with life and work and kids, couples spend less and less time with one another. They lose sight of one another. They lose sight of the good things in the relationship, and the only other evidence of their relationship is marred by the stress of life. Over and over again, I remind couples that they actually do really well…when they spend intentional time with one another. So, schedule a date and make it happen.

Slow everything down

Thoughts go fast, emotions go slow. And there is deeper connection/more intimacy when you go to emotions, rather than thoughts. When we slow down, we are more likely to respond, rather than react. Slowing things down allows us to say what we mean, and mean what we say.

Take responsibility for yourself

You can only control you. If you attempt to change or control your partner 1) You’ll likely end up disappointed 2) It’ll likely add fuel to the tension between the two of you. So, focus on being the best you can be, regardless of how your partner reacts. This can often change the energy of the relationship and create some space for your partner to examine themself. 

Affirm and compliment your partner

Little things mean a lot. Marriage guru John Gottman suggests a 5:1 ratio that is a good starting point. For every 1 negative interaction a couple has, they need 5 positive interactions to overcome it. As you affirm and compliment your partner, you reinforce how you truly see your spouse. And then, when you do need to confront, it is better received. 

Work on your listening skills

If you want to get better at something, you have to practice. As you become a better listener, your partner will feel more understood and heard. It’s not enough to stay quiet; listening done well is an active event. See this blog for help. 

Hope for Your Relationship

Relationships take work. But just because they take work doesn’t need to mean they suck the life out of you. If you apply the 5 principles above, your relationship might actually start to give you energy, rather than taking energy.

Think of it like training at the gym. Initially, if you’re anything like me, it takes mental fortitude and immense physical stamina just to get out the door. Some people go to the gym so consistently that they start craving it (crazy, right?). For those people, going to the gym becomes a source of energy. If they don’t get it they feel down.

The same can be true for your relationship. If you put in the relational reps, your relationship will shift. Rather than dreading a deep conversation with your spouse, you’ll actually want it. You’ll know those deep conversations are where relational strength and connection are found. It can give you life. 

If you find yourself stagnant or struggling in your relationship, won’t you give me a call? It doesn’t have to be this way, your relationship can be alive again.