Striking Out or Out on Strike?
Improve Your Marriage: Accept Mistakes and Resist Passivity
You remember Bo Jackson? [Numerous images of memories flash in your mind. Raiders, Royals, Black and White card, etc] Think to when he would strike out. The dude would take his bat above his head, pull down, and snap the thing like a toothpick. In high school I didn’t have that kind of strength (nor would an aluminum bat break like that), so I opted to throw my bat and helmet and sulk. This, in turn, got me benched.
What my coach tried to get me to see in these moments was something at that time I was incapable of. He was trying to get me to see the big picture. He was trying to help me understand that my mindset after striking out is just as important as my mindset before entering the batter’s box. After a strikeout out, I could go inward and sulk, thus taking me out of the game figuratively (and sometimes literally). But I didn’t have to. I could have trotted back to the dugout and thought about the strike out. I could have learned from it. If I were to learn from it, I’d be better prepared for my next at bat.
How to Cope When We Fail Relationally
Fellas, how many time do we step up to the plate with our wives, hoping to knock it out of the park, only to strike out? We go in with all of the best intension, and we don’t connect with anything. It could be the birthday present that she doesn’t like. It could be the date that fell apart when the babysitter got sick. It could be trying to empathize and she’s not at a place to receive it. We strike out. And how do you deal with it when you strike out? Do you throw your helmet and bat and sulk? Or do you learn from it?
Ways Learn From Your Mistakes:
Accept that you will make mistakes. If you believe you will never make mistakes, then there is nothing for you to learn from. If you believe you make mistakes, then you will have the opportunity and the mindset to learn from them. To be sure, make the right kinds of mistakes—don’t act out and don’t make the same mistake over and over again. When you make the same mistake over and over again, it demonstrates you’re not learning from them.
Stay humble/non-defensive. So many times our pride and our insecurities get in the way of us learning from mistakes. When we are prideful, then we believe we don’t make mistakes (refer to point one). And sometimes we are so insecure, our ego cannot withstand the hit if we accept we’ve made a mistake. So instead of accepting we’ve made the mistake, we protect our ego. I see this most often with guys who find their identity in the things they do. The mistake, rather than attacking the ability of the fella, attacks his very identity. If you are one of these guys, you need to do some serious work determining your identity apart from what you do. Hint: the answer is in what God says about you.
Honestly ask for, and accept, feedback. Proverbs 27:17 is often quoted in reference to male relationships. It says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” When done right, other men speaking into your life is powerful. Unfortunately, many men are so disconnected from other men, they never actually sharpen one another. In order to sharpen, there must be friction. In order to sharpen, you need men in your life who will tell you the truth, call you out, and give encouragement all at the same time.
See the big picture. If you put your progress on a scatter plot graph, what is the general trend you are seeing? Sometimes we get tunnel vision, and only look at our latest failure. Doom! We don’t give ourselves credit for all of the hard work we have put in, which trends in the right direction. This is not an excuse to minimize the most recent failure, we still need to deal with the ramifications of that. But it is something to remember if you start spiraling downward.
If you’re going to fail, fail in the right way. There was a special glare our coach reserved for the backwards K in the scoresheet. You struck out looking. You didn’t swing the bat. It meant you did not even give yourself a chance to make contact. If you struggle with passivity, this is likely you. If you are scared of trying, you have deeper thought work to do to figure out why you are scared, so that you can overcome the fear.
Don’t Give Up on Yourself or Your Relationship
Do not give up. Do not let minor mistakes defeat you. You are worth it. Your wife is worth it. Learn from your mistakes and get back at the work of recovery, relationship repair and redemption. You can do this.
If you need help becoming everything you were meant to be for yourself and for your wife, please call me. I come alongside men and couples as they navigate the relational waters. Whether you are stagnant in your relationship or reeling after an affair, I can give guidance as to how to effectively move forward.
