Sobriety vs Integrity

I work with a lot of men who have broken relational trust through their use of pornography. As I journey with the individual or the couple there are many markers along the way, and even hazards. For the guys who actually show up and do the work, it is a privilege to see them engage their self, their wife, and the world in a whole new way. Sometimes, what he means as good intentions, actually comes back to bite him.

I often see this phenomenon with guys who are day counters. Counting sobriety days is a bedrock practice of many 12-Step programs. There are various ‘chips’ which designate 1 day sobriety, 1 week, 1 month, etc.  In and of itself, there is nothing really wrong with knowing the last time you acted out sexually. 

The problem arises when that sobriety date becomes part of the guy’s identity. He becomes so protective of that date, that he sometimes is willing to ‘bend the truth’ (aka lie) about his behavior. Rather than owning reset sobriety date, he is sometimes willing to live in a lie, and therefore live in shame, rather than honestly and humbly going to the group and taking a 1 day sobriety chip.

Additionally, the sole focus of these chips is about sobriety. Two things emerge here. First, the definition of sober becomes an intense focus. Guys who are struggling with defining what it means to be sober…usually aren’t sober. He starts parsing language, like President Clinton did back in the day, attempting to exonerate himself from accepting responsibility and owning his boundary violation. 

What is more, AA has a well established understanding of the levels of sobriety. An individual could be sober from alcohol, but “white-knuckling it.” This is also known as being a “dry drunk.” Though technically this individual is sober because he hasn’t taken a drink, that is the only aspect of sobriety he can claim. Likewise with sexual integrity issues, some guys pat themselves on the back because they have not looked at pornography, masturbated, engaged in fantasy or committed adultery. (Don’t get me wrong, that’s a good start). But he is still emotionally avoidant, disconnected from self and others, not helping his wife heal, letting anger out on everyone he knows, and is not doing anything to change who he is at a core level. He might occupy his time with all kinds of busy work, but it is an inch deep and a mile wide. 

And this leads to the second problem with focusing solely on sobriety: there is more to life than sobriety—far more. One of my pet peeves is defining ourselves based on what we are not. Defining ourselves based on what we are not, or what we don’t want, feels so weak. It sets the bar so low. And it does not give inspiration or aspirations for the future. Even Jesus demonstrates this principle. He did not come so that we would not sin. Instead, Jesus came that we might have life and life to the fullest…an abundant life (Jn. 10:10). Can you feel the power in focusing on what we want, rather than what we don’t want?  When we focus on sobriety, we focus on not doing something. And this will always leave us longing for what we truly want—an abundant life. 

Finally, focusing on sobriety is always backwards looking. Day counters are always looking to the past to determine how long it has been. It is better that they look forward with hope, optimism, and determination. 

These are the reasons I focus on integrity rather than sobriety. Integrity’s focus is not limited to behaviors. It also encompasses intentions. Integrity is doing the right thing, regardless if anyone else is watching. Integrity asks the question: “What do I need to do to lay my head down at night and say, ‘I’ve done the best I can today.’” Integrity focuses on the whole of life, not merely one part of life. Integrity also has room for imperfection. I need to be careful how to write this, please hear my heart. I’m not saying that integrity allows for acting out. But should an individual act out or act in, integrity does not lie or hide; instead, integrity accepts ownership of the behavior and consequences, empathizes with those who it effects, learns from it, and moves on having sufficiently dealt with it. 

So if you, or someone you care about, has done some good work in coming clean with their sexual integrity issues, but there seems to be something off, something missing. Perhaps rather than focusing on the behaviors of sobriety, they need to focus on the mindset and heart posture of integrity. Join me in the pursuit of an abundant life. Join me in integrity. 

A version of this post originally appeared on LiveFree Counseling.