Towards Empathy and Better Communication
Empathy gets a lot of air time in my office. It is a key component of couples really connecting with one another. Giving a definition of empathy, to take on another’s emotions, is easy. However, actually allowing another person to evoke emotions within you…that is another issue all together.
The first step of empathy is not listening well, it isn’t asking the right questions, it isn’t moving past sympathy (feeling sorry for someone else), it isn’t saying the right things, it isn’t saying nothing at all…
The first step of empathy is engaging our own emotions. But wait a minute, I thought empathy was all about the other person! You are right! It is about the other person. And unless you are able to access you own emotions, there is no way you’ll be able to meaningfully empathize with someone else’s emotions.
Think of empathy as emotional weight lifting. If you see someone trying to bench press emotional weight off of their chest, you might be inclined to go and spot them. Now pretend you are attempting to push a huge weight off of your chest. Would you want Marty McFly or Rocky Balboa to lend an assist? When the weight of the world is crushing us, we want someone with strength, courage, experience, and stamina.
When our wives are going through intense emotions, they want us to come alongside them and help them. She wants assurance you are right there with her. You don’t need to rescue her from the big emotions of life, but she does want you to be right there with her, and able to take a bit of the pressure off if that’s what it comes to.
How are you doing at engaging your own emotions? Fellas, I’m calling you out here. Do you cry during a sad movie? Are you overcome with happiness and awe when you see the sun setting over the Rocky Mountains? Are you excited to celebrate birthdays? Are you heartbroken when your child is betrayed by a friend?
If you answered “No” to these questions, I suspect your wife might complain that your relationship has some communication issues. She might even say she feels disconnected from you. That disconnection is not a product of your relationship—its origin is your lack of connection with yourself.
After you get in touch with your own emotions. As you begin to become more self aware and comfortable feeling your emotions and appropriately expressing them, then you will be better able to connect with your wife and her emotions. If you view emotions as something to be solved or conquered, you’re headed in the wrong direction. Emotions are something to be honored and even savored. They are precious, and when shared with another, they are sacred—our emotions
If you want to improve your communication, if you want to improve your connection, my suggestion is to start strengthening your own emotions. If you need help knowing where to start and how to go about engaging those emotions, I would be thrilled to be your emotional strength trainer.
A version of this post originally appeared on LiveFree Counseling.
