Winning her Back vs Earning her Trust

“But I gave her flowers, remembered her birthday, washed the dishes…I’ve done everything, and she still is giving me the cold shoulder.” If you are doing things to try to win her back after your affair, it is not enough. 

For many in this boat, lives were composed of various masks—good neighbor mask, stellar employee mask, soccer coach dad mask, Christian mask, etc. Put on the right mask and do the right things associated with it. Good neighbor mask would have us mowing the lawn and sharing a BBQ. Soccer coach dad mask would have us give two afternoons a week and flip for organic juice boxes rather than Capri Sun’s. These masks are all about doing something that gives the impression that there is substance inside. 

So, after betrayal, wives don’t trust, and they certainly don’t trust masks. She was there when you first started dating, showing up with the romantic boyfriend mask. She was there when you married, showing up with the attentive husband mask. She was also there when you took off those masks and showed her the “waste a Saturday watching college football” all the time blame shifting that we work so hard and all she does is stay at home—yeah, a glimpse of the true you coming out. 

Wives can see through the things we do. If the only change in life is a change in doing things; there is a miss. The work that must be done to repair a broken relationship is not on what is done, but on who you are. A change of heart, a change in thought process, a change in reaction; these are the changes she will observe that build trust. As these changes are made, the way life is done will also change. 

The mission is NOT to win your wife back. This is fraught with peril. First, she is not a prize to be won—this objectifies her. Second, this is not about competition. Third, winning evokes the masks of doing—it feels manipulative. Instead, EARN HER TRUST.  Try and win her back, and she is the motivation. Wives do not want that responsibility. They fear the day when they no longer have what it takes to motivate us to do the right thing (which has already happened, right?).

Earning her back, on the other hand, is not directed toward her. Earning her back has the mindset that you will do the right thing for the right reasons day after day. She will witness you doing life differently, not just with regard to her, but also as you do life differently as a husband, employee, Christian, father, etc.

If you are stuck in your efforts to build trust, reach out to TenderHearted Men. We do deep heart work.

A version of this post originally appeared on LiveFree Counseling.